{October 9, 2011}   Accomplished

When my friend died of cancer a month ago, after the first hour of crying I didn’t feel sad anymore, and I knew it was because I saw her life as happy and accomplished with a lasting influence, and for an atheist there are no three greater goals in life than living and dying happy and accomplished, with a lasting influence. I’m always happy (except when I’m ill), so that’s one permanently down.


I’ve had longstanding issues with self-worth – never self-confidence mind, self-worth issues are the reason for my issues of self-esteem. I never felt entirely happy with myself if I wasn’t doing something that created a real output, and even then I wasn’t happy with what I’d done and didn’t believe people when my work was complimented. I’m sure a large amount of it is down to my public schooling, or perhaps even just schooling. A combination of the unfortunate system that so obviously doesn’t work for people like me (school was something I had to survive in order to go to University) and being surrounded by teenagers, when I simply went from child to young adult without that stop. There’s nothing worse than knowing what you want your life to be like, but in order for that to happen you know you have to stay in a system to which you don’t belong, that you have to wait it out. All you can do is wait and follow orders. And devote your learning to what you need to learn to get to the next step, not what you love.


But now that I’m here, now that I’m free, now that I’m in a system that encourages freedom, now that I’m surrounded by people my age who appreciate what I do, by people who are amazed even by my mentioning what I do, by people who actually want to get to know me, and now that I’m writing a blog that I’ve stayed dedicated to, received just a little praise for and at least somewhat satisfies my creative needs, my self-worth issues are dissolving. Going out into town, I don’t just feel like I’m independent – I’ve always felt that, it’s made me feel strong but also sometimes lonely – I feel like I’m a real individual who really belongs in society. I finally have a place, I finally belong. I’m a creator and an auto-didact and free, and for the first time in my life, I feel truly accomplished.


Thank you blog, and thank you University.



Today, after two days of being quite ill and just trying to get better, I’ve been feeling those self-worth problems creeping back. I hate being ill because it turns me into a grumpy person and I get nothing done. Today though I managed to wrestle it back, although my main source of accomplishment here comes not from being a creative force back on the blog again, or discovering some truths about myself that I didn’t fully realise before, but because I finally organised my room and binned all the rubbish I picked up in Freshers. Yay. Back to Uni work tomorrow.



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