{October 17, 2011}   Back To The Blog!

According to the statistics section of my blog, two people found my blog by using this search: “6 year old kids drawing with teeth and interpretation”.


I got curious and decided to try it out myself. I got as far as page 14 on a Google search and gave up. Whoever they were, they must have really cared out finding results to do with “6 year old kids drawing with teeth and interpretation”.


Well, my 3 day weekend of no blogging had a lot of success and just a little fail. I did next to nada on Friday and Saturday, just a little writing and my laundry – my first time so I made a big deal out of it. Sunday on the other hand was almost my ideal image of my life at Uni. I got up late for a human, early for a student, and after I had my breakfast I spent the whole day staying strictly to a timetable I wrote over Shredded Wheat & banana slices (in my ideal image there are no timetables). This meant that I spent between 8 and 9 hours of that day actually doing things (in my ideal image someone adores me for this).


I worked out that the best way to organise it was to spend 1 hour on mental activities like reading, writing, brainstorming, and 45 minutes on more physical activities, like juggling and guitar, and alternate between the 2 kinds. This way, each new activity is taking a break from the last one. The only problem was that with writing I usually felt like I didn’t want to stop, but then an hour’s a long time to be writing, so it’s probably for the best overall..


Now that I’m back on the blog, I’m wondering whether I should keep at doing this daily, or whether I should cut down on my posting. I’ve realised that, with all these hobbies and my increasing workloads, the time I’m given never seems enough. My guitar’s good, but I still can’t do that solo. My writing’s good, but I haven’t finished my fairy tale or those exercises, and I want to do more. I did loads yesterday, even exercise, but I didn’t do any art, or spanish, and I didn’t actually produce anything (nothing I’m willing to share anyway). I think I will cut down the blogging. That way I’ll be able to be more interesting when I post and I’ll get more done. This all may not look like much, but thinking of it during the day, what to write, actually writing it, editing bits, phrasing things properly… it’s an art I’m not yet used to. I think that like all my hobbies, it just needs constant practice. But if practicing this is getting in the way of improving my other hobbies, then I’ll just have to cut it back.


Basic summary: I now blog on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.



It’s another lovely Cardiff night, but something’s not quite perfect… hold on, I have it…


I want a celebrity lullaby

Oh my god I love learning.


{October 9, 2011}   Accomplished

When my friend died of cancer a month ago, after the first hour of crying I didn’t feel sad anymore, and I knew it was because I saw her life as happy and accomplished with a lasting influence, and for an atheist there are no three greater goals in life than living and dying happy and accomplished, with a lasting influence. I’m always happy (except when I’m ill), so that’s one permanently down.


I’ve had longstanding issues with self-worth – never self-confidence mind, self-worth issues are the reason for my issues of self-esteem. I never felt entirely happy with myself if I wasn’t doing something that created a real output, and even then I wasn’t happy with what I’d done and didn’t believe people when my work was complimented. I’m sure a large amount of it is down to my public schooling, or perhaps even just schooling. A combination of the unfortunate system that so obviously doesn’t work for people like me (school was something I had to survive in order to go to University) and being surrounded by teenagers, when I simply went from child to young adult without that stop. There’s nothing worse than knowing what you want your life to be like, but in order for that to happen you know you have to stay in a system to which you don’t belong, that you have to wait it out. All you can do is wait and follow orders. And devote your learning to what you need to learn to get to the next step, not what you love.


But now that I’m here, now that I’m free, now that I’m in a system that encourages freedom, now that I’m surrounded by people my age who appreciate what I do, by people who are amazed even by my mentioning what I do, by people who actually want to get to know me, and now that I’m writing a blog that I’ve stayed dedicated to, received just a little praise for and at least somewhat satisfies my creative needs, my self-worth issues are dissolving. Going out into town, I don’t just feel like I’m independent – I’ve always felt that, it’s made me feel strong but also sometimes lonely – I feel like I’m a real individual who really belongs in society. I finally have a place, I finally belong. I’m a creator and an auto-didact and free, and for the first time in my life, I feel truly accomplished.


Thank you blog, and thank you University.



Today, after two days of being quite ill and just trying to get better, I’ve been feeling those self-worth problems creeping back. I hate being ill because it turns me into a grumpy person and I get nothing done. Today though I managed to wrestle it back, although my main source of accomplishment here comes not from being a creative force back on the blog again, or discovering some truths about myself that I didn’t fully realise before, but because I finally organised my room and binned all the rubbish I picked up in Freshers. Yay. Back to Uni work tomorrow.

Ack. 2 weeks today I’ll be settling into Cardiff Uni. I’m feeling a large amount of evil joy at the fact that all the local kids are back in school – we have a small prep school down the road so we can hear their cries from our living room. Keeps my mind off any worries about the immanent future…

I’ve figured that any advice to do with things that need to be done in order to go to, enrol in and settle into University, is not useful advice. Once accepted, from then on in you’ll be guided through all the important & official things and prompted enough that the only advice you need is this: Pay attention and get on with it, but most of all enjoy the holiday and don’t worry about the future. That’s all.

Nonetheless I will keep recording my experiences and feelings through this whole process. I know how important it is for people to know what other people going through the same experiences are feeling. Knowing that other people are scared too, even if for a little while and even if they’re hiding it very, very well. That’s one of the wonderful things about blogging – I’m free to be perfectly honest and express myself, to tell potentially the world or no one how I feel and what I think, and to not care either way. I mean I hope so much that someone, somewhere will read something I write, and it’ll be just what they needed to hear, that it’ll help them somehow. At the same time, I don’t really care if no one ever reads these, because I’m just so happy to have this outlet where I’m being honest and true to myself. For me, I don’t think there’s anything more fulfilling.

Oh yes, that’s the other piece of advice Freshers need to know: everyone’s going to be nervous, scared and homesick. If you think someone’s not,  they’re good at hiding it (and you’re better at hiding it than you realise too). If anything, the more confident, energetic and totally un-insecure they seem, the more fragile they feel inside. To be honest (cos I can, ha!), I don’t believe this. I should. At the very least to some extent. I just can’t get to grips with the idea that other people, particularly the ‘popular kids’, are the same on the inside as I am. It’s an outsider mentality that I need to break, I’m sure it’s very irrational but then I’ve never known anything else, so..

We had a trip to the Morgan car factory today – very interesting but my love of things consice made it a little harder to endure. I’ll upload a couple of pics tomorrow, and if you’re lucky a short video clip showing off those beautiful cars, yes I’ll advertise tomorrow. And big bro made us s’mores for pudding :}

I think I’ll sleep well tonight. Sleep tight. xoo

et cetera