It’s the 3rd and final term of this academic year. This week I have my last lectures and then I have nearly 2 weeks till my last coursework essay’s due and I have to take my first exam. Then another harder one on the 29th. Hahahahahaaohgodha.

Ok, I’m better now.

All this means is that I’m gonna have the springtime blues through May. The exams mean I get all nervy and excited during daylight and then blank and low at home, BUT GUESS WHAT?

So, I haven’t been on the blog in a long while because of work, or more specifically, me trying to do work, procrastinating magically and then getting tired and upset with myself for not actually ever doing anything. But the other day, I did a blog. And guess what else I’m doing now? WORKING! C’EST UN MIRACLE! Something about the exercise of writing creatively and getting feedback is giving me the power to write academically and NOT PROCRASTINATE! I’M SO SORRY FOR THE CAPS LOCK BUT I’M JUST SO HAPPY.

So I figure, if I keep my day productive, doing fun creative stuff when I can’t or won’t be academic, everything should work out on both fronts. Oh wow. It’s going to be so good. Over the next 2 weeks, I’ll be finishing my essay, revising for the exam, writing blogs and, at last, posting clips on Youtube. I’ll talk about this later, but my Youtube account will be a spin off of this blog, not an addition. Here, I strive to be open & tell the truth and blah-di-blah-blah. On the vlog, I’m just going to be silly and strange and make mini-plays and just have fun. I’ll plot on  that today alongside analysing the covers of two music records according to semiotic theory.

So you know all those people who apparently do everything and are still happy, like have school classes 9-4 then captain the volleyball team and do work experience at the local vets and chocolate shop and are masters of the violin and piano, and just make you go “How the hell can they physically-mentally DO all that?!” Well, maybe they can do all that precisely because they do all that. Maybe so long as you’re actively fulfilling all your wants and needs all the time, that’s what gives you the power to go on and do the stuff you’re more loathe to do. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

So yes, just to say that this area of time that is normally stressful and hard, for me, ain’t so bad this time round. In fact, I’d go so far as to say HELL YEAH!

Love x


{March 14, 2012}   I Have A Serious Problem

…with procrastination.

It makes me leave work till the very very last minute.

It makes me perfectionistic again

It makes me hate myself

It makes me lie

It makes me stop thinking

It makes me waste days and days of my life

It makes me feel powerless

It makes me stay up till midnight, 2 nights before the 2,500 word essay is due with only around 100 words written, just wanting to sleep and cry.

It makes me depressed – it stops me loving life

And it always happens. There’s a reason why I keep on going on about productivity in these blogs. And that’s because it kills me everytime I end up wasting days trying to work but doing nothing and never knowing why. I’m never so unhappy as when I’m hating myself for doing nothing. In fact, I’m only ever unhappy when I’ve been procrastinating. And everytime, as the academic year goes on, it gets worse and worse until I get to those days where I wonder if I should just give into pity and depression and just let the deadline go by and isolate myself at home in bed.

Everyone has one fundamental flaw. This is mine. I love life so much – I don’t want to waste any of it and I want to do my best. I couldn’t have a more ironic and painful flaw.

Tomorrow I’ll be blitzing the work because the deadline’s suddenly imminently prominent. I’ll work on it all day and most of the night, polish it off in the morning and hand it in just in time. I’ll then score average to high marks, as I always do, because I write well under pressure. So nobody notices.
Maybe then this time… I’ll get a low mark (my marker reads this blog), or  people will try to help me, or will question me when I lie to them about work.
I think I need help. And I need release. I want to change.

{December 9, 2011}   Dear Future Self Of January 2012,

You know as well as I do that learning from your experiences isn’t always good enough. Sometimes you need someone else to remind you to do the right thing, and as is usually the case with us, that someone is ourself. All I have to do is give you the advice now and make sure that you get reminded at the beginning of next University term to read this. Actually, that last’s iCal’s job.


There is one, hugely-gugely, important thing that I must tell you and you MUST seriously take-in, despite its seriousness and your current want to continue just blissing your way through Uni life after such a lovely break and meeting all your friends again, but please, you MUST listen. And more than that – you have to really take this in. Really consider it, think it through, and then put it into action at the earliest opportunity.



Get your work done, you lazy toss.


You know it makes sense. Do it now while your mind’s still fresh and mellow, while it’s still non-urgent. Do it now… and it’ll never get you stressed. And you’ll really, truly have all the time you want for everything you love. Your friends are in the same head-space, even if they’re not all going to do it as early as you will, but they’ll understand, if anything they’ll admire you for it! Sure, probably in the ‘You’re crazy’ kind of way, but because it’s also brilliant, that makes it ok. Remember last term? Everything was left to the very last minute – the academic blogs, the essay on political economy, the one on offensive humour… even the research proposals were pushing it. As I write you haven’t completed a single one. They may be short, but you know that’s just another excuse to put it off. Imagine ending the term with no worries about work. Just enjoying the place as much as you can before you leave it again. You could go to the bay again. I can’t even remember when the last time I went was. You could sit down at the plaza and work on your book, or your Doctor Who episode(s). You could go practice your guitar & singing in the music school, or get a part-time job, or refine your juggling or magic or art skills, or learn to do ballroom dancing, you could go to the art society’s events at last. You could do so much without the burden of work to come. You know it makes sense.


So get your work done now you lazy bugger.


Lots of love,




{December 7, 2011}   Homesick

I love it here, but I’m not used to being away from home… I’ve worked out that if I get all my work done quick, I can go home as early as the 15th. That means just 8 days of trying to enjoy university life as much as I can whilst desperately trying to get confusing work done. Then, I can go home, drink tea WITH MILK IN IT, watch Boston Legal, eat advent calendar chocolates, enjoy being with my family and not do work. Simple pleasures…


Unfortunately, the feeling of homesickness is so strong that it’s getting in the way of getting anything done. My head just feels empty all the time and I keep on getting distracted by absolutely nothing. In fact, it’s already been 10 minutes since I wrote “absolutely nothing”. I think the impressive messiness of my room helping this a fair amount, so I’ll just bin rubbish & tidy things away now…


Look down. Look back again. Half an hour has passed and I’ve half filled a shopping bag with rubbish. A 5 minute job. I got motivated near the end & started to try & tidy my room, but then I got demotivated. A while back I spilt a goopy, vitamin supplement ‘elixir’. I thought I’d cleared it all up, but I just found one of my tops under my chair… the elixir’s hardened and with the pressure of the chair legs, the material’s been stretched strangely beyond help. That and the goop glued a load of my stray hairs to it. What a downer. *Bin*


Problem is, the only total cure and the best cure for this is just to go home, but I can’t go home till I’ve done the work, but I can’t do the work till… I should get some sleep. Get cosy & pretend I’m home. Can’t pretend it’s home with all this mess… Too tired to clean…


“Too tired! Pah!”

“What?! Who are you?”

“I am the ghost of wasted time past! And I have come to warn you of your bleak future, should you continue to repeat yourself this way!”


“Well, I wouldn’t say ‘bleak’, but you know, not so productive and fulfulling and… point is, get to doing things now or else you will get stuck in that cycle you were just talking about.”


“Well, glad that’s sorted then.”

“Uh, yeah… thanks Mr…”

“Mr Ghostofwastedtimepast, yes.”

“…yeah……bye then.”



Well… I should sign off now. Bye. ox

{November 7, 2011}   New Heights In Procrastination

On Saturday, I was finishing off some work. Technically. What I actually did was spent a whole day procrastinating – Google, Youtube, an animated movie, and many more, all to put off finishing the shortest of short stories and a nice collage of doodles based around the 7 sins, both of which I was hoping to get published in the University bi-annual creative works magazine. Why put it off? I have no idea. It just, happens.

Surprisingly though, the greatest feat of procrastination came the next day. With 3 hours to go till I had to leave the flat to meet with my friend, I decided to knuckle down to my academic work. I procrastinated again, in all the typical boring ways, and then I stopped myself – “No! I’ve got to get on! I can’t let this keep controlling me like this, I’ve just Got to Get it Done! At least get changed…” So I took off my old clothes, put on my pants and bra, stuck my feet though the legs of my skinny jeans and stopped.









They could pass as hands…”


I then did what any great procrastinator would have done, and fetched my PSP, loaded a game, forced my toes to hold it, grabbed my camera, shuffled into the right lighting, set the camera to the best setting, soothed my poor toes and made them hold it again, took a photo, then another photo, then more soothing, a change in the angle my toes were holding it at, at change in camera angle a change in settings and finally a few more photos from different distances.


{November 5, 2011}   Derren Brown & Guilt Trips

Well, given my subconscious’s huge interest in Derren (see previous blog), I thought I’d indulge it with a post that I’ll be writing while watching his latest show.  I wonder whether this will ease or worsen my subconscious’ fixation. One idea I had was that the reason why my subconscious keeps bringing him up in my creative work, day & night dreams and so on is that he reminds me of me, except more successful, more experienced, and the fact that he’s a gay man (is that 1 or 2 things different? He’s gay & I’m straight, but then we both like guys, so – stop it Harri. What’s the point in thinking like that…). It’s an idea that I feel kind of uncomfortable exploring, so if this doesn’t work I’ll just have to look into that. This won’t make much sense if you haven’t watched it or not watched it recently. Also it goes without saying that the following will likely be spoiler-ridden. You’ve been warned.



Here we go.



The opening is a good summary of why I’ve always liked his work – mystery, psychology, dark qualities, symbolic (almost like it has it’s own mythology), and, well, him – his character and his interests. And of course joy and mischief (all in the eyes). Love the music too, reminds me of Sherlock Holmes (new movie soon, with Stephen Fry! No, this is Derren blog post. Focus). So stylish too. Dramatic. He’s very lovely, despite whatever dark things he’s talking about. Seriously, I LOVE this music! Around 1:30, bouncy, quirky… if I had a soundtrack to my daily life, this would be one of the main ones. Ha! “…gotta go hide myself” (runs away).


Great this, it’s like he’s written an Agatha Christrie and cast Jody in it. Although seeing Scarlet makes me think of Clue. I like the way that Derren’s running through this to the camera, like he’s chatting to me & explaining it all one-on-one. It’s an amazing web of control he’s got here. You could use this format to create storybook experiences for people. It’d cost a lot but you could really create amazing, personalizied experiences for people. Another kind of – TIM MINCHIN! – (*ahem) theatre experience.  Oh, so glad I wasn’t picked for this thing… I’d’ve been devestated if I felt I’d upset someone I really admired… Oh god, I feel so bad for him, like close to getting teary. Ooh, Derren panicking a bit – he’s human! 😀  Oh poor guy. Oh, he’s sitting down against the bed. I think I’d’ve done the same, or paced or lay down on the bed like a jumping jack.


Stupid ads.


Derren is very good at controlling everything. Phase 2: Doubt. Nice, very subtle. Nice to see how he notices it on some level. Now it’s clicked. Wow. It’s so weird to see this sort of thing happening, seeing him thinking & reacting. Derren’s on the move! Oh, there’s such mischievous joy in this! Now I wish I was a part of this, even if apparently accidently upsetting Tim would’ve made me cry into my pillow for 5 minutes. Ha! Some brilliant little mind tricks here. This is probably my favourite of his work. It’s very strange this whole controlling of someone’s life. He’s done this all before but never to this extent. with the jewels, the reactions are all getting a lot more serious. I’d like to think that I’d’ve pocketed it & tried to build the courage to say to the guy everything & explain. Poor guy confiding, oh he’s just like me in his thought processes. I love these things that allow you to really feel inside someone else’s mind, see how similar it all is.


Phase 3: Motive. That title scares me. Mr Black? Thinking Clue again. Mischievous smile again. I now know that what’s coming’ll be fun 🙂 “I’ve told the actors to get Jody drunk. It’s important.” (*Grin). I love this show. Cue guitar sing-a-long. Meanwhile… Derren’s playing Cluedo, big-scale. Getting dark now.


He’s a lot braver than me.

Is that the right word.

I wouldn’t wamt to say less caring about someone I admire, but..

I think I’m just too much of a wuss.

I don’t think I could take it to stage 4.


Very interested in everything Derren’s saying about communicating to sleeping people. I could use this for my own experiments. Perhaps with these kinds of recorded instructions  I could really program my own dreams.


This is getting very creepy in a very cool way now. And the music…



Now I’m thinking Donnie Darko.



Getting very serious. Police are here. Always makes me anxious. Wow. The guilt triggers. It’s really working. You can see it on his face… and the reality of it all. “Rev. Green”… Was I paying attention at all at the beginning? It’s Clue! I’ve started rubbing at myself again. I always do this with nerves & frustrations. I rub at my skin, or if I’m lying down I hold my head. Poor guy. But what music. I don’t know what to think. I’m too wrapped in this story. Panic now. He’s running. And I’m really going crazy with the skin rubbing thing. My poor shoulder’s gone red and red hot.



The village police station?



Derren’s ending it here. A teardrop.



Time to apologise



“What are you doing here?”



or not





I’d forgive him



Now I wish I was chosen.


It’s a bloody rollercoaster. Ha! Paper!


Bastards! Exactly!

And a big hug


Yes, this is my favourite.


I feel better about just being me, just being a nice person. I have this… such strong pressure I put on myself about self-worth and with my perfectionism… and being someone worthwhile & creating fantastic output or nothing at all because I’d rather make nothing than make something substandard.  I feel a lot a better about just being me. Because I’m a good person. And that’s enough.



I wonder how long this’ll last.

Problem is I’ve got work to do. Academic work that I’ve been putting off and creative work that I’ve been perfectionist about.

Well, it’s midnight now, so I’ll just make a promise that tomorrow I will focus on finishing my creative work (the deadline’s earlier), and only once the beast is entirely done with and submitted will I move on to the academic, and for BOTH of them, I will just DO it, and not worry about it being perfect or not. Ah jeez. Too much to think about. I don’t think following Derren’s work in such detail could ever help me, and I’ve barely scratched the surface. I’ve too many thoughts to begin with…. I guess I’ll be exploring the whole Derren being a successful me (?) thing sometime next week…


I’ve picked up on the guilt. And rightly too, I should have done all of this by now. This should be a relatively free weekend, but no, I’ve been lazing about all week. I came to Uni to create and to learn. So I better get to it.


Night o

et cetera